and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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