We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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