so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
