Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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