So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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