Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
And my parents said I crawled through the house
and you fell through a lawn chair
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
