remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Randomize
