Already got asked if we're dating
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
