I look better un-naked...
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She told me I should be a condom model.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
