I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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