New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
