Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
