Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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