Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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