he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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