Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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