Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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