I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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