Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
