hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
