At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
