I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
