Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Randomize
