We're facebook friends in real life
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
