oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
