if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
