three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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