I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
