you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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