Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
