So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
