at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
My vagina just recognized that song.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Pants are for mortals
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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