i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
