what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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