also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
