Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Pants are for mortals
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
