I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
