I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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