it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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