If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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