Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
