Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
