my soul wont recognize me after tonight
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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