I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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