he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
