I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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