I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
