no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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