so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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