filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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