you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
this hospital has no fireball
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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